A Little Bit Of Sunshine

Ah, the sweet sweet monotony of black and white, ink and paper All in the world is set aright  Everything is clear and well defined between the boundary lines I am creation first, creator third  An extraordinary work, yet complete  And somewhere in between, I am working  To find meaning, not just in words  but in the silences that stretch in search of them Stability in chaos and  Chaos in stability Beauty in empty spaces and  Poetry in clean pages. 

"It's as though all my dreams got together one night and gave birth to something new..."  I envisioned it, you know. Heard it humming in the distance  That I would change the world  Crowds, lots of them... hanging on my words We'd hold hands, helping the other to stand   Just like I imagined.  Except  Their hands are smaller than I expect I have to crouch to meet their eyes The stage of my dreams is a stuffy classroom My mic a broken piece of chalk.  But we talk,  we deliberate and I leave  somewhat wiser somewhat clean They too are teaching me  How to love, how to eat, how to give  Oh how they give.  Because of them I have learned  the value of a patient word a sweet note, a thoughtful gesture  a lollipop gifted without explanation  a well-timed joke I hoped to change the world... But this is my world as it stands  Someday it might grow beyond these old brick walls and cross borders and oceans But for now,...

In my affirmations for the year,  I eagerly wrote I'd like more scary experiences Cut to two months in the year and I am living my own personal horror film One challenge after another after another I'm often terrified I will slip under  beneath the weight of my own expectations  And then the strangest thing happens I surprise myself : I float I am carried by a strength I did not know I possessed It's a crisp and delicious thrill, that floods my chest  And I wonder what else is hiding in there It's that curiosity that has me diving again, looking for the next scare.. 

Under the same roof But in different homes Same plate of food But only one of us is satisfied Enclosed in the same walls But not all of us are warm inside. I take all my beatings lying down Stick my head into the ground Cover all the vital parts of me Hands over my head, and I don't scream I say please, sorry, thank you It's the least I can do For being the burden upon you Better the vermin, that scurries along the ground Without questioning why it is there Than to be shoved mercilessly out of your chair. Better to drown in the sea and know exactly why you can't breathe  Than to dive in the safety of your bed, struggling for air...   

I associate her with the sound of snapping gum swinging hips that push everyone out the way Acrylic nails Hair every colour of the rainbow,  depending on her mood that day Sun dresses that accentuate her breasts And gold dripping from her earlobes She is aphrodite in the flesh Never short of questions In large supply of truth A piercing attitude You know exactly how she feels  because she'll tell you  She is my sister, a friend, the woman I've always admired from afar I see her in my mother  Her head held high,  in constant juxtaposition with her thighs   She loves like she does everything...  fiercely, unafraid  She bites the bullet and throws it back  She gives what she gets, twice as harder.  The line of her shoulders caves as she grows older From carrying our burdens.  Note : For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted gold hoop-earrings. But it seemed to me they were made only for a specific kind of woman. One with a boun...

In my hands, I thought was the power to heal and create  I forgot about the bloodstains. The time they inflicted pain When I called you names When I was hurt and imploding with rage Burning everyone within range I sought to protect myself when I ran from your embrace When I broke the bridge you extended to me When I made you feel less than worthy Oh what a vicious cycle we have made...  In the stories I've told,  You always played villain  But I am no hero I still need to be saved.  So here's what I'll do  Look upon your face and erase all the assumptions I had drawn Regard you as clean as the day you were born Not because you are without guilt.  But it is a new dawn and the sun shines upon us all

It's time we addressed  the elephant in the room...  I don't look like I did when I was sixteen  Long-haired, sweet little thing,  with lean legs That carried me hurriedly, swiftly...  I never wanted to be seen.  It was, in short, a terrible time for me. So why am I scrolling through old pictures, squeezing into old jeans... mourning what used to be?  Sure my waist was tiny,  Ah, but remember how you couldn't breathe from sucking it in...  My arms were trim,  So why did I always wear long sleeves...  I knew all the latest dance moves,  Pity I only practiced them in my room There was an innocent twinkle in my eye,  Far better to be hardened and wise   Yet I am supposed to believe my best days are already behind me... The eyes that shined a million in one... Playtime is over they said, m ake way for the burial grounds start digging the hole, let die your body, the legs that spirited you away as though you were a crime...

I'm done trying to please you Changing my tune to the kind  you like to dance to I'm a jazz square, with a bit of motown flair I could never get into the rhythm of your blues It is a sick and twisted relief...  Knowing I will never be enough That my best efforts will not result in love My servitude won't change the unyielding truth: "Never loved, only used" My fruitless search complete,  I kick up my feet, the pressure in my lungs is released  And simply, allow myself to be. 

In the late afternoons we meet, under the avocado tree Enshrouded in the fragrant canopy of leaves...  We draw circles in the sand with our feet every now and again, a fruit tumbles down for us to eat. And oh  how we eat...  You chew on my thoughts like decadent pastry I sip on your words, tangy yet refreshing. We paint the air with our hands  And carve our names with our teeth,  marking this place for eternity  As the sun dips low in the sky We  stammer and trip over simple words,  suddenly shy  It is time to say goodbye.  You have your obligations and I...  I'll be just fine you'll see. Until we meet again, next week Under the avocado tree 

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Tree or seed?  See? Now was that so bad?  Why won't he get out of my head?  Why are you so afraid of everything?  Surely there's honor in trying, no? Answers : I've been avoiding mirrors of late.  Actually it was, I've just grown stronger for it. It was difficult for what I knew difficultly to be. Never belittle a challenge conquered.  Is it love, or you just wanna feel enough? I think fear can be a good thing. It pushes me, corners me in a dark alley. It is quite exhilarating, coming out alive. Being tossed into the fire and coming out refined. I am acquiring a taste for it.  No less than there is in dying, I suppose. 

07:00 am I awake in a tangle of  limbs.  The previous night's questions lingered on my skin.  Who will I be? Where will I go?   07:05 am ... A quick shower washes all  uncertainty away...  Head held high, I start my day My mission, always, is to keep it that way.  08:00 am I eat sweetened fantasy for breakfast (freshly baked last night)  and wash it down  with a steaming cup of excitement.  10:00 am I've missed it, the hustle and bustle of working on my feet The poetry and politics of it all The exhilarating rush of fear, that any moment now the pressure will crush me 12:00 am It never does.  And though I kick and make a fuss..  I enjoy it very much.  14:00 am The hours pass listlessly Slowly my head starts to droop to my shoulders  By the time I return home, I am but a puddle on the floor.

I heard it whispered in the corn fields  Greying women with aching backs Who, at the mention of the news,  lift the corners of their mouths a crack All at once they begin to clap.  A shift in the breeze,  says one A humming in the forest trees ,  chimes another  A fragrance of something to come,  chanting at once A voice carried in the Southern wind,  cries one A wink of light over the horizon,  sighs another  The tremble of giant footsteps,  shouting altogether No one could agree on what they had seen But they were certain of one thing.  A change was coming.  A call to order A cosmic gathering  These women, our great grandmothers mothers stood amongst the flowers Envisioning the life that would someday be ours A culmination of their prayers and wildest dreams Answered in you and me We are the blossoming of a 1000 year old seed the slaying of an ancient foe...  The fusion of target and arrow  A harvest fully...