A Little Bit Of Sunshine

 Forecast: cloudy, threatening rain There's a post I made somewhere below...a silly rant about Aladdin and 3 perfect wishes... Um, try not to look it up. It'll only embarrass the both of us. I never did find a magic lamp but my 22nd birthday is on the way and my wish is too tiny, too simple, too shameful to utter aloud. What I want, what I want ... The question is posed again and again. What kind of cake do you want? Well... I want a small cake, exactly enough for everyone present, six candles alight in a dim room. Maybe it was whipped up at the last second or picked up at the store on the way home, maybe a wallet was held upside down...emptied in haste to cover the cost. Nothing can quite compete with the taste of being loved with all one had. What do I want?  What I want is not to be asked.  What I want is hands covering my eyes, leading me to the door "I'm sorry this is all I could afford" It's so little but so much more  than I could dare to ask for. Maybe

Forecast: a summer sky I'm learning new ways to say I love you. A warm plate of breakfast.  Imperfect omelet on toast, slices of fresh avocado and bitter coffee served with shaky hands. A head popping into the kitchen, asking "Do you need some help?" A friend, sending me a song.  This made me think of you.  My mother, giving me an aspirin.  When the bad voice in my head gets too loud, I carry these moments. Of love unspoken. Of love too shy and broken To shout But still it stands, firm and true. Learning new ways to say I love you. 

Well, this isn't really fair is it? You were promised sunshine And I delivered rainclouds.  So I step outside, in search of some. The grass wets my feet with dew and the birds sing what I imagine  is a popular tune.  Everything is still and shy, much like me.  I see myself in the sky...  on the verge of breaking forth and shining into a happier dawn.  We're gonna do it, the sun and I any minute now. I hope you like your sunshine with a side of clouds.

There are times when existence is nearly unbearable  Where being alive feels like a chore I'm not quite qualified for. I contemplate the mere 5×2 radius I take up in the world... still I think it generous. I bunch my shoulders and cross my arms But there I am.  Much too bold, a little too loud Even one can be a crowd.  I sprinkle roses in my words  ...still thorns fall out  Oh but to float from room to room my presence a dainty whisper But there I am.  Much too solid, a little too alive Today I manage to get by. I lived.  My task is done.  I did it kicking and screaming,  but in the end all it took  was standing and breathing. 

Something significant happened on such a day as this The fourth day of April.  Was it two winters ago? Three?  I don't remember how I got home, but something must've carried me... A memory? A somebody? For the life of me I can't recall Was it a glance...was I courageous enough to dance? On such a day as this  I managed to find some bliss It's faint now, a hazy recollection. But it's no matter, I know it can be found again On such a day as this.