A Little Bit Of Sunshine

Ah, the sweet sweet monotony of black and white, ink and paper All in the world is set aright  Everything is clear and well defined between the boundary lines I am creation first, creator third  An extraordinary work, yet complete  And somewhere in between, I am working  To find meaning, not just in words  but in the silences that stretch in search of them Stability in chaos and  Chaos in stability Beauty in empty spaces and  Poetry in clean pages. 

"It's as though all my dreams got together one night and gave birth to something new..."  I envisioned it, you know. Heard it humming in the distance  That I would change the world  Crowds, lots of them... hanging on my words We'd hold hands, helping the other to stand   Just like I imagined.  Except  Their hands are smaller than I expect I have to crouch to meet their eyes The stage of my dreams is a stuffy classroom My mic a broken piece of chalk.  But we talk,  we deliberate and I leave  somewhat wiser somewhat clean They too are teaching me  How to love, how to eat, how to give  Oh how they give.  Because of them I have learned  the value of a patient word a sweet note, a thoughtful gesture  a lollipop gifted without explanation  a well-timed joke I hoped to change the world... But this is my world as it stands  Someday it might grow beyond these old brick walls and cross borders and oceans But for now, we dance. 

In my affirmations for the year,  I eagerly wrote I'd like more scary experiences Cut to two months in the year and I am living my own personal horror film One challenge after another after another I'm often terrified I will slip under  beneath the weight of my own expectations  And then the strangest thing happens I surprise myself : I float I am carried by a strength I did not know I possessed It's a crisp and delicious thrill, that floods my chest  And I wonder what else is hiding in there It's that curiosity that has me diving again, looking for the next scare.. 

Under the same roof But in different homes Same plate of food But only one of us is satisfied Enclosed in the same walls But not all of us are warm inside. I take all my beatings lying down Stick my head into the ground Cover all the vital parts of me Hands over my head, and I don't scream I say please, sorry, thank you It's the least I can do For being the burden upon you Better the vermin, that scurries along the ground Without questioning why it is there Than to be shoved mercilessly out of your chair. Better to drown in the sea and know exactly why you can't breathe  Than to dive in the safety of your bed, struggling for air...   

I associate her with the sound of snapping gum swinging hips that push everyone out the way Acrylic nails Hair every colour of the rainbow,  depending on her mood that day Sun dresses that accentuate her breasts And gold dripping from her earlobes She is aphrodite in the flesh Never short of questions In large supply of truth A piercing attitude You know exactly how she feels  because she'll tell you  She is my sister, a friend, the woman I've always admired from afar I see her in my mother  Her head held high,  in constant juxtaposition with her thighs   She loves like she does everything...  fiercely, unafraid  She bites the bullet and throws it back  She gives what she gets, twice as harder.  The line of her shoulders caves as she grows older From carrying our burdens.  Note : For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted gold hoop-earrings. But it seemed to me they were made only for a specific kind of woman. One with a bounce in her step and defiant shake of the he

In my hands, I thought was the power to heal and create  I forgot about the bloodstains. The time they inflicted pain When I called you names When I was hurt and imploding with rage Burning everyone within range I sought to protect myself when I ran from your embrace When I broke the bridge you extended to me When I made you feel less than worthy Oh what a vicious cycle we have made...  In the stories I've told,  You always played villain  But I am no hero I still need to be saved.  So here's what I'll do  Look upon your face and erase all the assumptions I had drawn Regard you as clean as the day you were born Not because you are without guilt.  But it is a new dawn and the sun shines upon us all

It's time we addressed  the elephant in the room...  I don't look like I did when I was sixteen  Long-haired, sweet little thing,  with lean legs That carried me hurriedly, swiftly...  I never wanted to be seen.  It was, in short, a terrible time for me. So why am I scrolling through old pictures, squeezing into old jeans... mourning what used to be?  Sure my waist was tiny,  Ah, but remember how you couldn't breathe from sucking it in...  My arms were trim,  So why did I always wear long sleeves...  I knew all the latest dance moves,  Pity I only practiced them in my room There was an innocent twinkle in my eye,  Far better to be hardened and wise   Yet I am supposed to believe my best days are already behind me... The eyes that shined a million in one... Playtime is over they said, m ake way for the burial grounds start digging the hole, let die your body, the legs that spirited you away as though you were a crime scene, all evidence of life scoured away, the laughter

I'm done trying to please you Changing my tune to the kind  you like to dance to I'm a jazz square, with a bit of motown flair I could never get into the rhythm of your blues It is a sick and twisted relief...  Knowing I will never be enough That my best efforts will not result in love My servitude won't change the unyielding truth: "Never loved, only used" My fruitless search complete,  I kick up my feet, the pressure in my lungs is released  And simply, allow myself to be.